I Hear Europe Singing

One of my great joys in life is sitting down every May with a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and watching the annual nonsense known as the Eurovision Song Contest. Once a year, all the countries in Europe—plus a few that aren't—get together to vote on the best song of the year. Each country enters one song and every one votes. The catch, of course, is that you can't vote for your own country. As a consequence, countries often tend to vote for whatever country is closest to them. In spite of this, a song gets chosen, and it can be from anywhere. A hit song on Eurovision can launch a career. The most famous example of this is ABBA, who won the contest in 1974 with their first hit, "Waterloo." Most of the time, the song that wins is pretty lame, but what can you expect from a contest based on average taste?

I first encountered Eurovision in 2004 while I was working the Drupa trade show Düsseldorf. Our hotel was situated in Langenfeld, a town without any distinguishing features. Once you were back in the hotel, there wasn't much to do but sit in your room and watch television. My first night there happened to fall on the same night as the Eurovision finals. That year, the winner was Ruslana from the Ukraine, doing a perfect imitation of a Xena Warrior Princess. I was hooked. I have tried to watch it every year since, which is remarkably easy no matter where you are thanks to the Eurovision web site.
   

   
Most of the time, the songs are pretty forgettable, but every once in a while the population of a country will go completely mad and send some oddball group to represent their land. Such was the case in 2006, when Finland entered the GWAR-like rockers Lordi to sing "Hard Rock Hallelujah"; or Silvia Knight from Iceland, who seemed to be intentionally awful, and managed to alienate from the entire continent with her song, "Congratulations (I'm Silvia Knight)".
  

  

   
As usual, the bands that were the most fun, did not win. True to form, this year's winner was Azerbaijian with "Running Scared," a song that incorporates the two most important principles of the Eurovision Song Contest: catchiness and mediocrity. But I think the contest needs a few more categories and I'm here to give them to it. So without further ado, here are my choices:

Band I'd pay to see: Dino Merlin and his band (Bosnia-Herzegovina).

Silly? Yep? Bad clothing? Check. But they actually seemed to be enjoying themselves. The song manages to be both ethnic and pop, which is what I watch Eurovision to see. If this band came to San Francisco, I'd go see them in a heartbeat. 
  

  

Best Retro Number: Čaroban by Nina (Serbia)

This was a rich vein of material. Plenty of bands had a strong retro vibe, which is always to be expected at Eurovision. Nina gets the win for her pitch perfect sixties look and the Laura Nyro vibe of her song. Coming in a close second is Ireland's Jedward, singing "Lipstick" and looking like they just escaped from a 1982 music video.
 

 

  

Worst Song: I Love Belarus by Anastasia Vinnikova (Belarus)

This is a tough category. There are plenty of bad songs to choose from, but most are just bad because they have nothing to offer. How many mediocre boy bands do we have to sit through? But Belarus's entry pushes bad to a new low. I mean, "I Love Belarus"—really? The most oppressive country in Eastern Europe—are you frickin' kidding me? Different lyrics and this might have made it into the final top ten, but apparently enough people in Europe speak English now to know what this song was saying. Perhaps the singers did not.

  

Best demonstration of the dangers of Autotune: Haba Haba by Stella Mwangi (Norway)

Everyone thought this song would be in the top ten. It was a popular song in Europe and a fairly catchy number too; even if it had about as much to do with Norway as The Lion King. Then Stella Mwangi opened her mouth and what came out was...well, just awful. Ms. Mwangi managed to stay a quarter-note flat throughout most of the song, and even the catchy repeats at the end could do nothing to salvage this catastrophe. It was frighteningly obvious that this song was the product of some serious Autotuning. Norway went down in flames in the semi-finals.
 

I could probably come up with a few more categories, but I think that will do it for now. My ears are burning. Did you have a favorite? Or a least favorite? If so, let me know.